Celebrating two years of sanity.
I was walking at the park today, something I do multiple times a week for the past three years. It is a city park where all types of people come to do all types of activities….jog, skate, picnic, fly kites… I go to get exercise, but secondary to that I love to people watch, think, and listen to music. I have a strict policy on the music: no Ipod, no walk – been wiping the dust off the MJ CDs lately.
On this particular day, I noticed a few orange and white barricades and a sign announcing that part of the park will be closed on July 3rd and 4th. A brief, feeling of anxiety suddenly hit me, then went away. Ahh yes, I know why they were closing the park…they have an enormous fireworks display every 4th of July…that’s right.
Two years ago in July was my one year homecoming anniversary from Baghdad. Believe it or not I had fun there…I made a lot of friends and have some very unique memories. But it is Baghdad *sigh*, and there were way too many days when we had to hear gunfire and explosions in the not so far off distance. Often, mortar rounds would land randomly in our compound as they lobbed them aimlessly over to us from the other side of the Tigris…needless to say if some unfortunate person just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time…it would probably hurt really, really bad for him. You just never know when it’s your time.
So anyway, two years ago on this day I was walking the park, seeing the same barricades and signs. I only live right across the highway from the park and was looking forward to watching the fireworks display. However, when it came, instead of ooing and awing, I had an anxiety attack. Uncontrollably, I started pacing around, heart pounding, hands shaking…I couldn’t keep still. It had been a year since I’d been back and I had been just fine, my usual calm, cool self…so why the sudden craziness? I tried to talk myself down, knowing full-well I was safe at home. No luck. I called my mom and she talked to me until the fireworks stopped. Then I was ok again. Too weird.
I was scared I would end up with PTSD or something. But fortunately, it seemed to be an isolated incident. Since then I have seen a few firework displays and even heard an explosion (a supposed meteor, they say), and I’m still mentally intact. Not complaining or anything but, I can’t help but wonder why I never got another “attack”. At any rate, I continue to celebrate my sanity, for now I know just how easy it is to lose it.
